Hey Y’all!
I hope everyone is doing well. I’ve been stuck at home alone all week and I’ve realized something.
I grew up in a large family. I had 2 wonderful parents, 5 brothers and 1 sister. I am the baby. I think that by the time I came along my mom was just worn out. She took care of me and loved me, of course, but she was always cooking, cleaning, ironing or sewing to spend time with me. My dad was always working or volunteering at the Moose Lodge, so I didn’t get to see him much.
My brothers were much older than me, and my sister grew up with them, so she was very much a “tom-boy” who didn’t like to play with dolls or do anything “girly” like I did.
So, in a family of 9, I always felt very alone. I have a lot of memories of all of us having breakfast or dinner together and feeling like I was not really a part of the group. I was always off to the side watching and listening to them talk and laugh about things. I was never a part of the conversation.
I wanted to be a part of the group, but any time I spoke up or chimed in, I was simply ignored or made a joke of. I felt like an idiot. A very lonely idiot in a room full of people I loved.
It’s always bothered me, but never quite as much as it has since my dad passed away 2 years ago.
There were many years I simply avoided them as much as possible. At family gatherings like Christmas and Thanksgiving I still sat off to the side to listen and watch them enjoying themselves. After so many years of that I finally just stopped attending. I don’t think they even noticed that I wasn’t around or cared anyway.
After that car accident last week, my sister-in-law texted to ask how I was, but none of my own brothers or my sister ever once called or came to see me. So, I really don’t think they’ll care if I simply remove myself from their lives.
I was going to wait until my mother passed away, but I’m just tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me to feel so unwelcome, knowing they think I’m just some stupid girl they have to put up with because my mom and dad had one too many children.
I think I’m better off alone. I don’t need them and I won’t lie to myself anymore, saying that they love me, but they just don’t know how to show it. I have Frankie, my children, and my grandchildren. They’re all I need. Thank You, God, for them.
Peace & Love,
JoJo “Burque Bitch” Jaramillo
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